Commercial Success!

Since money is the God that we all worship, advertising is like the Holy Ghost- (Wall Street is Jesus).  

We all want money and success.  But how do we know what constitutes having “enough money?”  How do we know what items to buy to show that we’re successful?  How do we know where to get the cheapest car insurance and the best pizza?  Commercials!  Like chapters in the Bible, commercials tell us everything that we need to know to understand the world- except less cryptically.  Little one minute nuggets of information that are only annoying because you have to watch them 12-75 times a day if you are at all an avid TV watcher.

So, its important that these things be good- both informative and entertaining.  I have rated some of them on a system that reflects their divine importance in our modern world.

Blasphemous- these commercials are not only bad- they’re actually NOT selling you the item.

Eucharistic- These commercials your faith in advertising.  The wine and bread of the money making sacrament- if you will.

The Parable- These commercials teach us something profound about our lives

This weeks Blasphemous commercial is:

That stupid Nissan Rogue commercial where the people are playing a game of Marco Polo in their cars.  This is stupid because anyone who is looking at this and NOT thinking “What a waste of gas” must own an oil company.  Secondly, the people should be fat who are playing this.  If you are too lazy to play Marco Polo in a pool and have to do it in you CAR then you’re a lazy fat ass. Not to mention you can’t play Marco Polo in a car.

By the way, this commercial is so bad I’m not 100% sure that it is even for the Nissan Rogue- it could be a different car.  No branding- another sign this commercial sucks.

Eucharistic-

These commercials are far and few between.  The CitiBank Commercial comes closest with it’s “Because ambition never sleep.  Because Hope never sleeps” commercial.  It is all right, not as moving as the Kodak commercials of yesteryear but not completely atrocious.  I don’t flip the channel when it comes on.

The Parable-

I’d say I learn a lot when I look at the Bounty commercial.  The one where the young boy and his father have just spilled a root beer float and, rather than cleaning it, they are estimating how many paper towels it will take to clean it up.  The mother/wife surprises them by using only ONE paper towel to clean up the enormous spill.

This is educational because it really shows you that men all across the world don’t do jack shit around the house, even when they’re standing right there and the soda is slowly creeping its way toward an expensive looking rug.  They’ll stand around with their thumbs up their asses rather than grab a dishcloth and help.